to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
