I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
