I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
