I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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