woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Houston, we have a blender
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
