i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You need a sexual gate keeper
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
