thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
