I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
