you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
