I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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