nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
