i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
