You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
