My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
