Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
