hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
