I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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