sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
