just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
