dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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