I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
