You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
