people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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