If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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