Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
