Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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