The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
