i love accidental penises.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
