My room smells like vodka and shame
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
