My liver just broke up with me...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
