There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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