were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
