Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
