Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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