omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
