I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
