Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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