Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
