Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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