I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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