We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
