Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
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