do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
