Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
