They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
