I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He did a backflip because drugs
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
