I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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