I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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