3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
