If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
